IPL Appraisal Process

Prologue: It’s appraisal time and IPL season. Let’s see how will our favorite IPL players fare in their IPL performance evaluation. NOM to any players. Written purely for fun.

Rating 1:Exceptional 2:Good 3:Average 4:Worrisome

Sachin Tendulkar

Coach: Happy birthday Sachin.
Birthday cake
. You look so young.

Sachin: Thanks
Open-mouthed smile

Coach: But your rating is not looking good. You’re not in good touch. God knows what happened to you.
Thinking smile

Sachin: Ailaa!! I think I know.

Coach: God knows.
Confused smile

Sachin: I know.I know I am not in good touch.
Disappointed smile
What’s my rating?

Coach: I am afraid. You’ll get only average rating this time. i.e. Rating 3. I have reserved rating 4 for Ponting.

Sachin: (Thinking)Is he eligible to get a rating? I knew I am the best amongst the best.


Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Coach: Welcome Captain Cool. You’re doing good both as a batsman and a captain,but you need to improve.You finish things off well when there is target(deadline) but you need to start well. I have one question though. Why do you force a 16th over winning match and take it till last over?

Dhoni: Well, I am giving you my secret
Secret telling smile
by telling this-Jo Honi ko anhoni karke, anhoni ko honi karta hai Usey Dhoni kehte hain. Mind it!!

Coach: What?

Dhoni: Well, I make possible things impossible and then turn impossible into possible and become an overnight hero. People in Chennai love me just for that.

Coach: Oh k.
Surprised smile
But what an IDEA.
Light bulb
Whistle Podu.
Thumbs up
But you will get only rating 2 as I am forced to give 1 to someone else.

Dhoni: Well,Who’s that?
Crying face
I have won more matches for CSK being a very successful captain.

Coach: (imitating Dhoni) Well, it’s a Secret.
Don't tell anyone smile

AB De Villiers

Coach: SouthAfrican Ho Ya Bangalorean, Sixers-Oh Yes AB!! Come-on have a seat.

Congratulations- You’re the most innovative player of IPL 2013.

Will that translate into rating 1?

Coach: Jokinga?

AB: Atleast STAR PLUS Nayi Soch Award?

Coach: We will try. Ok lets get on with the business. What rating are you expecting?

AB: Certainly the best. I am in good touch. I am performing well. I am the impact player.

Coach: You are the impact player but doesn’t have as much influence as much Gayle has on team winning.

AB: No doubt about it, But I am as good as him.

Coach: Well, you have to be content with rating 2 this time. Have more impact on the game and take rating 1 next time.

Yusuf Pathan

Coach: Welcome. Please take a seat.

Yusuf Pathan: I will rather stand.
Embarrassed smile

Coach: Fine. Your performance is dismal. Your rating is 4. Any comments?

Yusuf Pathan: No comments. Thanks.
Confused smile

Coach: That was quick.
I don't know smile

Rohit Sharma

Coach: Welcome Rohit.

I am happy to announce that you have improved a lot. You are no longer a 2 minutes “maggi” batsman where you would get out in 2 minutes(1 minute each to come from/to pavilion).

You are showing shades of leadership qualities as well. You will go a long way.

Rohit: (Stumped
Surprised smile
) Long way? Great. Which way-Right or Left? Am I getting rating 1?

Coach: No. Only 1 person can get it and it’s not you.

Rohit: Oh k.
Disappointed smile

Vinay Kumar

Coach: You’re among the wickets this season and even topping the list.

Vinay: Thanks. I am maturing as a bowler match after match.

Coach: The other day you denied SH a win in Hyderabad by taking it to the super over. Job well done.

But why did you bowl length balls in super over and leak runs such that even Gayle could not score off given the stiff target?

Vinay: Actually I was testing the batsman. I think it was Cameron White. I thought he was expecting yorkers from me,being a frontline bowler. But I surprised him by bowling length balls.

But I was duped as he surprised me by hitting six.
Surprised smile

Laughing out loud
Vinay,you need to improve. You are getting rating 2 because of this.

Vinay: Thanks. Play me for every match. I will improve one day.

Ricky Ponting

Coach: Do you know why did we hire you even though you didn’t had relevant experience for 5 years?

Ponting: For captaincy?

Coach: Batting is paramount reason.Captaincy is secondary. You will be first to be fired if you don’t fire.

Ponting: I will fight fire with fire.

Coach: That’s confusing.
Confused smile
Anyways, you’re getting rating 4.

Ponting: (Thinking)Thank God. I got a rating at least.

Virat Kohli

Coach: Hello Virat. You’re rising star
of IPL 6. I am very much impressed with your captaincy apart from your batting which is very impressive which tells me

that you’re in zone.

Virat: Thanks.

Coach: But you are taking it till the end. Forcing the match to the super over by giving an opportunity to opposition to win the match.

You need to improve in this aspect.

Virat: I will certainly do. My rating? 1?

Coach: You will get only 2 as there is lot of competition for rating 1. Be happy with it. Better luck next time.

Virat signs off expressing his disgust with fresh set of expletives dedicated to the coach.

Sunil Narine

Coach: You’re excellent with the ball. Getting lot of wickets.

Narine: Thanks.

Coach: You’re winning the matches with your balling for KKR.You even got a hatrick.

Narine: Thanks.

Coach: But…

Narine:(Smiling) I was waiting for this but part.
Winking smile

Coach: Smart.

You’re too predictable. You spin the ball only 3 ways- right,left or the one that doesn’t spin.

Narine: Well,that’s the trick. Batsman doesn’t pick which ball spins what way.

Coach: Don’t argue now.

You’re no longer a mystery bowler. Batsman have found out there are only 3 ways you can spin the ball.

Narine: Heights.
Surprised smile
Now can I know my rating?

Coach: 2. Better luck next time.

Rahul Dravid

Coach:  A great captaincy material. Makes me think you needed a long run to captain Indian side.

Rahul: Thanks for your kind words.

Coach: Hardly any big names in the squad and you have made them play their ‘A’ game beating some strong teams in the process. Excellent.

Rahul: Thanks.

Coach: You’re excellent with the bat too even though you’re 40 years old. But you need to slog better after laying a foundation for the team.

You need to improve your six hitting capabilities. Improve on that and you’ll get rating 1. For now, it’s 2.

Rahul: Thanks.
Broken heart
I will work on that aspect.

Chris Gayle

Coach: You’re the man. 175 in 66 outstanding,unbelievable,out of the world. To be frank I am speechless.
Don't tell anyone smile

Gayle: Thanks with his typical smile.
Open-mouthed smile

Coach: I have never seen some one hit the ball so hard as you do. You’re modern day great. Gayle Storm
Storm cloud

Gayle: That sounds encouraging. Go On

Coach: You have the ability to hit 6s and 4s effortlessly which makes you a dangerous batsman in T20.

Gayle: Music to the ears.
Go On..

Coach: But…
Disappointed smile

Gayle: But?
Broken heart

Coach: You’re not a team player. You don’t leave enough overs for others to score. I think you’re selfish. You win matches single-handedly. Ditto with your balling. Given a chance, you take wickets so that front line bowlers get blank in wickets column. Moreover you have tremendous capability to hit ball out of the stadium almost every time but you are only content to hit the ball till 2nd or 3rd tier and clear the stadium sometimes which tells me you’re not playing to your potential. You have to improve a lot.

Gayle: Are you mad?
Angry smile

Coach: Would like to add, you have to improve your behavioral skills also.

Gayle:  I am going nuts.
Steaming mad

Coach: Don’t you want to hear your rating?

Gayle:  Tell me so that I can leave.

Coach: You have got a healthy rating of 2. Concentrate on points I have mentioned you will be soon get a rating 1.

Gayle: Thanks a lot . You have made my day with a healthy rating.
Sarcastic smile
My foot!
Steaming mad

Ravindra Jadeja

Coach: Welcome SIR.

Ravindra Jadeja: Thanks SIR(Giggling).

Coach: Call me by name. You are the real SIR.

SIR: Thanks(Giggling).

Coach:The other day you won a match against Kolkata chasing a modest total with a quick fire 30.

Excellent stuff.
High five


Coach: How do you do it SIR?

SIR: Do what?

Coach: Get out on the last ball and still win the match. That RCB-CSK close match.

SIR: It happens. Rather I make it happen. Even force people to bowl a no ball.

Coach: I was right. I knew it. You’re the 1. I mean you get rating 1.

SIR: Thanks(Giggling). But I didn’t expect it.

Coach: That’s your modesty SIR. You deserve a 1. Others are mediocre.

SIR: Are you joking? Really ? I am the one? I am yet to show my best game.

Coach: When we will witness it SIR?

SIR: At the right place and at the right time.
Be right back

Coach: I will be eagerly waiting for it. Now give me “Jaddu” ki Jhappi
Left hug
Right hug

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